Oh there’s no place like home (hell?) for the holidays?! Survival Tips for LGBTQIA+ and Unconventional Individuals (well heck for EVERYone!)
Ahhhh the holidays ...a time for...HELL ON EARTH?!
Here I’ll share just a few holiday survival tips and tricks to make it through another holiday unscathed! :)
I’ll also share the larger message that we always need to keep in mind- which is that WE ARE BRAINWASHED BY SOCIETY and need to remain aware of this!
This is a message from a therapist, for anyone who needs to hear it.
Holidays are... a social construct. Family is...also a social construct. All these definitions and ideas are…MADE UP by society.
Please try to resist being brainwashed by society this holiday season.
If you feel that time “home” for the holidays may be hurtful, invalidating, mentally and emotionally exhausting – you can choose not to go – and that is perfectly okay!
We have been conditioned to often feel that we need “permission” to do or not do things, especially the kind of things that we have had brainwashed into us our entire lives- such as the notion that we “must” go home for the holidays. This is not Reality!
In the event you don’t read this entire article, the take-home message I hope you’ll gather is…
Do whatever feels best for YOU mentally and emotionally.
Perhaps you want to surround yourself with those that affirm your authentic identity and respect and empower you!
Maybe that means time with your friends -your family of choice, not coincidence. Or time with loved ones- whoever that may be.
Maybe it means time alone to do whatever the heck you want and need!!!
Reality is love- this can mean self-care in which you allow yourself alone time because you feel that is what you need most.
Remember - no matter how ANYone defines family… it’s all made up! And blood doesn’t magically create MUTUAL love, support and acceptance! * for more on social constructs and how we’re all brainwashed by society- check this: tiktok.com/@TheUnexpectedTherapist
SO LISTEN UP FRIENDS!
THIS HOLIDAY SEASON- DO YOU! Do whatever is best for YOU!
PLEASE REMEMBER THAT THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS “RIGHT” AND “WRONG” including however you choose to spend your holiday time.
So now let’s dive right into these holiday survival tips!
Stay Connected!
During the holidays it can be helpful for individuals themselves as well their affirming and respectful friends/loved ones to stay connected. This a two-way street- meaning that while you yourself may need some extra support and connection, your affirming loved ones (and especially those that may not have much of a network) may also need and appreciate this as well- so it’s a win-win!
Stay connected during the holiday season and remember that IF you also choose to go see your family of origin for a holiday- you and your affirming network can plan to stay in touch to support each other during that specific time as well.
Plan ahead- triggers, boundaries and coping mechanisms, oh my!
Before heading out it’s a good idea to think about and possibly note for yourself what your potential triggers, boundaries and coping mechanisms may be when you spend time with your family. This way your coping ideas will be more front-of-mind for you and more easily accessed in the event that things get stressful when you are with your merry ol’ family.
Triggers are …
One example of a trigger may be that you know there is a family member who has refused to use your correct pronouns, or perhaps a family member that has made LGBTQIA+ phobic remarks.
Boundaries are …
You may wish to let your family know that in the event this occurs, you will be excusing yourself from the conversation/room etc.
Or maybe you don’t feel comfortable enough to discuss this boundary with your family- and that’s okay too! Then you may know in your head what your boundaries are and what you will do when they are crossed and you feel uncomfortable.
Be prepared! Plan ahead-future you will thank you!
Now say you’ve been triggered by that ol’ Aunt Mildred yet again … have no fear! because you planned ahead! You’re going to quickly jot down a list of handy-dandy coping skills before the event, that you can pull out to use before tough emotions get the best of you when you’re with yer holly jolly fam!
Coping skills are …
For instance, you can plan to leave the room or take a walk outside to decompress. You can have a friend that may be willing to pay more attention to their phone in the event you need to text or call each other for support when needed. You can plan to take a little break and perhaps watch something on your phone that makes you laugh. You can read something or look at something funny and/or affirming online. You can listen to some music that you find soothing or uplifting.
Pro Tips …
If you’ve got the triggers, boundaries and coping skills (Oh My!) on lock, you just might be ready to level up with some pro tips!
Self Affirmations
Self-affirmations kept in your phone can be a helpful reminder of who you are and how proud of yourself you are- in the event you are in your head and struggling. Remind yourself that you are worthy, loved and that you matter!
Deep Breathing
Practice some deep breathing exercises ahead of time or have some ready to follow and queued up on your phone in the event of a time of need.
Helpful Reminders that work for you
Add anything to your selfcare plan that you feel may be helpful and supportive in a moment of struggle with your family!
Remember that this situation is temporary:
IT PASSES, EVERYTHING PASSES! Repeat this to yourself as a comforting reminder of the reality outside of negative, toxic and unhealthy situations.
Plan-when bringing a partner(s)
If you are partnered and planning on bringing them along for this joyous family holiday ride- make sure to brainstorm and plan ahead of time for situations that may arise with your family so that you can try to cut down on stress and remain on the same page. You may want to talk about: where you’re staying, sleeping arrangements, how each of you plan on addressing certain topics and triggers that may pop up with family, the way in which each of you may or may not feel comfortable in expressing affection around your family and so on.
So to recap, these are things many folx benefit from talking about ahead of time:
-where you are staying
-sleeping arrangements
-topics and triggers that may pop up with family and how each of you plan to address them
-how each of you feels/doesn’t feel comfortable expressing affection around family
Plan for an early escape hatch! Just in case it’s needed
Really rack your brain for an emergency early escape route in the event you find yourself in a situation with your gem of a family in which you absolutely need to leave. Perhaps a family member has sipped a bit too much holiday cheer and is using more hateful language than usual or whatever the case may be in which you feel unsafe or uncomfortable to the point that you feel you need to leave.
If you have a friend or family member in the area that is a safe place, perhaps plan this possibility out with them ahead of time so that you know you can stay with them if needed. Or perhaps there is a hotel or motel somewhere nearby.
In Case of Emergency – Break the Glass Covering this Plan!!!
Even if you think it will never come down to needing a backup plan to the backup plan- consider keeping a few resources handy in your phone-
think of them as the, “IN CASE OF EMERGENCY BREAK GLASS” plan.
We can’t always anticipate how even those we know will behave – especially around the holidays and when that spiked eggnog may be involved!
Taking this tiny extra step is just an additional precautionary measure to cover your bases.
A few possible helpful resources to keep handy in the event you could use some support:
-Crisis Text Line: Text “HELLO” to 741-741
-The Trevor Project Lifeline: 1-866-488-7386 and thetrevorproject.org
-Trans Lifeline: 877-565-8860
-GLBT Near Me: glbtnearme.org
-LGBT National Hotline: 888-843-4564
-Suicide and Crisis Lifeline- 988
-RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network) 24 hour Confidential Sexual Assault Hotline- 1-800-656-4673
Post Holiday Wine Down Time!
SHAMELESS THERAPY PLUG!!! Jusssst kidding!!! Well, kidding not kidding :)
The holidays can be very mentally and emotionally exhausting which makes for a perfect time to process and decompress with your therapist before and after the holidays!
Also, keep in mind your affirming and supportive network and make sure to get in on some of that additional peer support and connection too! Make sure to connect with those who listen and provide that affirmation and decompression we all need after some very stressful and exhausting situations!
Keep in mind all of the coping mechanisms you listed before and
make sure to chase the holidays with some straight-up self-care again!!! 😊
Some individuals love to write- to write down and get out all their thoughts and feelings about the holidays, the holiday season and their holiday interactions or lack thereof. This can be an additional helpful way to process and decompress!
To summarize:
-Decompress with affirming and supportive network
-Schedule time with your therapist
-Journal/jot thoughts, feelings about everything holidays
-Self-care your buttocks off!!!
Do you have other ways you decompress after the holidays? Share in the comments!!! Tis the season of sharing and helping others :)
No matter what the heck you decide to do or not do for the holidays, please make sure you are providing YOURSELF with love, care and support because you deserve it and you are worth it!!! <3<3<3
Therapist for LGBTQIA+ and Unconventional Folx NY and FL telehealth